The Silent Treatment....its abuse too

“Abuse victims are always the best actors. They have to be, to live their whole lives with the pain and shame, pretending there is nothing wrong. It's the greatest performance of all."

Clinical Pastoral Counselor, Andria L. Sigler-Smalz defines lesbian relationships like this, “While lesbian partnerships generally are of longer duration then male relationships, they tend to be fraught with emotional intensity and held together by the "glue" of jealousy, over-possessiveness and various manipulative behaviors. During the course of the relationship, the "highs" are very high, and the times of conflict, extreme. Excessive time together, frequent telephoning, disproportionate card or gift-giving, hastily moving in together or merging finances, are some of the ways separateness is defended against. In such relationships, we see the counterfeit of healthy attachment--that is, emotional dependency and over-enmeshment.” As a lesbian living in Atlanta we enjoy the many perks of unlimited club events, Human Rights events, Garden parties, drag shows and community pageants. What I find that we forget about is promoting and advocating for victims of emotional abuse. Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion, manipulation etc. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as repeated disapproval or even the refusal to ever be pleased. Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting than physical ones. In fact there is research to this effect. • The other person places unreasonable demands on you and wants you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs. • It could be a demand for constant attention, or a requirement that you spend all your free time with the person. • But no matter how much you give, it's never enough. • You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don't fulfill all this person's needs. • The other person may deliberately start arguments and be in constant conflict with others. • The person may be "addicted to drama" since it creates excitement. • Denying a person's emotional needs, especially when they feel that need the most, and done with the intent of hurting, punishing or humiliating (Examples) • The other person may deny that certain events occurred or that certain things were said. confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, "I never said that," "I don't know what you're talking about," etc. You know differently. • Withholding is another form of denying. Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment. This is sometimes called the "silent treatment." • When the abuser disallows and overrules any viewpoints, perceptions or feelings which differ from their own. • The other person plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or other "hot buttons" to get what they want. • This could include threats to end the relationship, totally reject or abandon you, giving you the the "cold shoulder," or using other fear tactics to control you. • Minimizing is a less extreme form of denial. When minimizing, the abuser may not deny that a particular event occurred, but they question the recipient's emotional experience or reaction to an event. Statements such as "You're too sensitive," "You're exaggerating," or "You're blowing this out of proportion" all suggest that the recipient's emotions and perceptions are faulty and not be trusted. • Trivializing, which occurs when the abuser suggests that what you have done or communicated is inconsequential or unimportant, is a more subtle form of minimizing. Steve Hein eqi.org Myths about Abuse There are many myth-based explanations for abuse in lesbian relationships. Generally, these myths reflect and perpetuate stereotypes, fears and prejudices. The following are some of the more common myths: Lesbian relationships are never abusive. False. Despite an assumption that lesbians are caring and supportive to one another, violence does exist in some relationships. Lesbian violence occurs only in "butch" and "femme" relationships. The "butch" is the batterer and the "femme" the victim. False. Beyond the fact that most lesbians do not assume explicitly butch-femme roles, the roles themselves do not automatically dictate who has more power or desire to exercise more control in the relationship. Abuse between lesbians is mutual. Both partners contribute equally to the violence. False. This view stems from the belief that lesbian relationships are always equal partnerships. In violent relationships there is often a perpetrator and a victim. A perpetrator cannot be distinguished by any features such as size, height or age. Defending oneself against an attacker must be examined closely as it may be mistakenly construed either as initiating or equally contributing to abuse. Abusive lesbian relationships involve apolitical lesbians or lesbians who are part of the lesbian bar culture. False. In fact, violence in lesbian relationships is not limited to any particular "type" of lesbians. Abuse cuts across the lines of race, class, age, political affiliation and interests. Lesbian violence is caused by substance abuse, stress, childhood violence or provocation. False. Although such factors may help explain why an abuser acts the way she does, there is no simple cause-and-effect relationship. An abuser has choices. She is responsible for her behaviour and she can control it. There is no excuse or justification for violence. The following sections are intended to provide specific guidelines for lesbians, friends and families, and for professionals who are responding to the abuse. Effects of Abuse Some of the common effects of abuse that women report include: Self-blame. Most women who are abused believe that they have caused the abuse and can somehow stop it. A woman may feel like a failure for not making the relationship work. Anxiety, tension, low energy, depression, insomnia, change in appetite Physical aches and pains (such as headaches) or other difficulties not directly caused by physical injury Shame. She will likely feel shame about what has happened, which may prevent her from confiding in anyone. Low self-esteem and lack of confidence. There are almost always feelings of intense worthlessness and inadequacy as a result of abuse. These feelings may generalize to other areas of her life, affecting her belief in her self-worth and ability to manage her life. Some lesbians already have a negative self-image that comes from internalizing the social messages that degrade and reject lesbianism. This alone may prevent a woman from seeking help or telling others about the abuse. It is possible she may come to believe that because she is lesbian she somehow deserves abuse and does not deserve help. These feelings can be compounded for lesbians of other ethnic groups and differently-abled lesbians. Sense of hopelessness or helplessness. She may feel increasingly powerless if her efforts to stop the abuse fail. Anger. She may have difficulty expressing her anger about the abuse. She may also turn the feelings of anger toward herself. 12 Isolation from others. She may isolate herself or feel isolated from her friends, family, resources and communities (e.g., ethnic, racial, religious or social communities). Her isolation might stem from the threats and manipulation of the abuser, from a desire to keep the nature of the relationship secret, or from a sense of shame about the abuse taking place. Fear that the abuse will not be acknowledged by others. Some women have found that when they did tell others about the abuse, the violence was condoned, minimized or excused. This left them without immediate resources and with the belief that there was something wrong with themselves. Fear of future incidents of violence by the abuser Self-regulation and hyper-vigilance. She may restrict or modify her actions and words as an attempt to prevent further abuse. Avoidance of social situations. I am moved to share this info today. I dont know why I was moved but I do know what moved me. Dont let the wrong bitch fuck with your emotions, its sooooo not worth it.