The Silent Treatment....its abuse too

“Abuse victims are always the best actors. They have to be, to live their whole lives with the pain and shame, pretending there is nothing wrong. It's the greatest performance of all."

Clinical Pastoral Counselor, Andria L. Sigler-Smalz defines lesbian relationships like this, “While lesbian partnerships generally are of longer duration then male relationships, they tend to be fraught with emotional intensity and held together by the "glue" of jealousy, over-possessiveness and various manipulative behaviors. During the course of the relationship, the "highs" are very high, and the times of conflict, extreme. Excessive time together, frequent telephoning, disproportionate card or gift-giving, hastily moving in together or merging finances, are some of the ways separateness is defended against. In such relationships, we see the counterfeit of healthy attachment--that is, emotional dependency and over-enmeshment.” As a lesbian living in Atlanta we enjoy the many perks of unlimited club events, Human Rights events, Garden parties, drag shows and community pageants. What I find that we forget about is promoting and advocating for victims of emotional abuse. Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion, manipulation etc. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as repeated disapproval or even the refusal to ever be pleased. Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting than physical ones. In fact there is research to this effect. • The other person places unreasonable demands on you and wants you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs. • It could be a demand for constant attention, or a requirement that you spend all your free time with the person. • But no matter how much you give, it's never enough. • You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don't fulfill all this person's needs. • The other person may deliberately start arguments and be in constant conflict with others. • The person may be "addicted to drama" since it creates excitement. • Denying a person's emotional needs, especially when they feel that need the most, and done with the intent of hurting, punishing or humiliating (Examples) • The other person may deny that certain events occurred or that certain things were said. confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, "I never said that," "I don't know what you're talking about," etc. You know differently. • Withholding is another form of denying. Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment. This is sometimes called the "silent treatment." • When the abuser disallows and overrules any viewpoints, perceptions or feelings which differ from their own. • The other person plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or other "hot buttons" to get what they want. • This could include threats to end the relationship, totally reject or abandon you, giving you the the "cold shoulder," or using other fear tactics to control you. • Minimizing is a less extreme form of denial. When minimizing, the abuser may not deny that a particular event occurred, but they question the recipient's emotional experience or reaction to an event. Statements such as "You're too sensitive," "You're exaggerating," or "You're blowing this out of proportion" all suggest that the recipient's emotions and perceptions are faulty and not be trusted. • Trivializing, which occurs when the abuser suggests that what you have done or communicated is inconsequential or unimportant, is a more subtle form of minimizing. Steve Hein eqi.org Myths about Abuse There are many myth-based explanations for abuse in lesbian relationships. Generally, these myths reflect and perpetuate stereotypes, fears and prejudices. The following are some of the more common myths: Lesbian relationships are never abusive. False. Despite an assumption that lesbians are caring and supportive to one another, violence does exist in some relationships. Lesbian violence occurs only in "butch" and "femme" relationships. The "butch" is the batterer and the "femme" the victim. False. Beyond the fact that most lesbians do not assume explicitly butch-femme roles, the roles themselves do not automatically dictate who has more power or desire to exercise more control in the relationship. Abuse between lesbians is mutual. Both partners contribute equally to the violence. False. This view stems from the belief that lesbian relationships are always equal partnerships. In violent relationships there is often a perpetrator and a victim. A perpetrator cannot be distinguished by any features such as size, height or age. Defending oneself against an attacker must be examined closely as it may be mistakenly construed either as initiating or equally contributing to abuse. Abusive lesbian relationships involve apolitical lesbians or lesbians who are part of the lesbian bar culture. False. In fact, violence in lesbian relationships is not limited to any particular "type" of lesbians. Abuse cuts across the lines of race, class, age, political affiliation and interests. Lesbian violence is caused by substance abuse, stress, childhood violence or provocation. False. Although such factors may help explain why an abuser acts the way she does, there is no simple cause-and-effect relationship. An abuser has choices. She is responsible for her behaviour and she can control it. There is no excuse or justification for violence. The following sections are intended to provide specific guidelines for lesbians, friends and families, and for professionals who are responding to the abuse. Effects of Abuse Some of the common effects of abuse that women report include: Self-blame. Most women who are abused believe that they have caused the abuse and can somehow stop it. A woman may feel like a failure for not making the relationship work. Anxiety, tension, low energy, depression, insomnia, change in appetite Physical aches and pains (such as headaches) or other difficulties not directly caused by physical injury Shame. She will likely feel shame about what has happened, which may prevent her from confiding in anyone. Low self-esteem and lack of confidence. There are almost always feelings of intense worthlessness and inadequacy as a result of abuse. These feelings may generalize to other areas of her life, affecting her belief in her self-worth and ability to manage her life. Some lesbians already have a negative self-image that comes from internalizing the social messages that degrade and reject lesbianism. This alone may prevent a woman from seeking help or telling others about the abuse. It is possible she may come to believe that because she is lesbian she somehow deserves abuse and does not deserve help. These feelings can be compounded for lesbians of other ethnic groups and differently-abled lesbians. Sense of hopelessness or helplessness. She may feel increasingly powerless if her efforts to stop the abuse fail. Anger. She may have difficulty expressing her anger about the abuse. She may also turn the feelings of anger toward herself. 12 Isolation from others. She may isolate herself or feel isolated from her friends, family, resources and communities (e.g., ethnic, racial, religious or social communities). Her isolation might stem from the threats and manipulation of the abuser, from a desire to keep the nature of the relationship secret, or from a sense of shame about the abuse taking place. Fear that the abuse will not be acknowledged by others. Some women have found that when they did tell others about the abuse, the violence was condoned, minimized or excused. This left them without immediate resources and with the belief that there was something wrong with themselves. Fear of future incidents of violence by the abuser Self-regulation and hyper-vigilance. She may restrict or modify her actions and words as an attempt to prevent further abuse. Avoidance of social situations. I am moved to share this info today. I dont know why I was moved but I do know what moved me. Dont let the wrong bitch fuck with your emotions, its sooooo not worth it.

This bitch…

I feel so unnecessary.  I have never felt so inadequate and pointless in my life.  I am not an asset I am annoying in the way and a nag.

I have been punked by karma.

Karma is subjective to the receiver. Mine is in the form of tender kisses, mind blowing sex and the euphoria of being in love. She disguises herself with plump lips and a coy tongue, almond shaped eyes and gentle yet firm, warm hands. Karma is definitely a bitch. My bitch.

I fell in love with this bitch and I’m getting it.

I was cold, aloof, indifferent and crass. I apologized, sincerely, but no matter the intent of the heart karma will find you and present itself in the form you deem most desirable.

Now the pain, the tears, the longing are all for nothing. As long as karma fucks me and makes me cum, I’m reaping what I sow.

No More U-Haul!

Dating is ritual.  Girl meets girl, they exchange some nice conversation, maybe bat some eyelashes.  If there is chemistry (and you should definitely feel something) one or both of you decide to carry the meeting a little further. Further meaning phone calls, cute text messages and dinner and a movie.
What some…no excuse me…what most lesbians tend to forget is that dating is a VERB, an action (ing).   Here’s the kicker. Pay attention. You can date more than one person. Dating is not a relationship. It doesn’t mean you’re in a committed relationship.  It doesn’t mean rights over the heart.  It’s the process of getting to know each other.  Discerning whether or not a person is worth falling for.  Its where questions should be asked and commonalities revealed.  The time period between meeting and loving .  You can choose whether or not you want to keep your panties on, but you should not confuse the throbbing in your panties for love…

The lesbian tends to forget about the “getting to know” process once the panties hit the floor.  They stop asking questions and looking for red flags. No longer are there conversations about goals, dreams and personality.

Here’s my perception (*ting*) its take 3 months for the representative to leave.  It takes six months to know  whether or not dating should become exclusive, because by six months if the representative has gone  you know if this person is good for you.  Take the time to find out.

Hit & Run

Dating a narcissist is horrible for ones self image…They work very hard to break you and make you in their own image. Once you are broken you fall prey to thoughts about self. You feel bad for looking in the mirror and thinking “I look cute today”. You second guess about whether or not its ok to treat yourself to a smoothie. You are constantly going over and over in your head what you did wrong, because you went to the bookstore and didn’t take them with you.

The narcissist makes you feel bad about every self thought you have. I find it hard to even write this entry right now. Scratch all this…Fuck her.

When dating a crazy, bitter bitch you can be certain of 2 things. 1. It will end bad and 2. You will be different in the end…very different. If the cage you have put yourself in has been left unlock and unguarded, if even for a moment…run…run fast, run hard and do not look back. Much like a Hebrew slave once thru the Red Sea, that peace that only freedom gives, will wash over you and only then you will exhale…you are free.

Dam it's still hard…this is my diary of a mad black lesbian…lol…I won’t be told bullshit like “You’re playing the victim” <-- what the fuck does that mean exactly. If I’m hurt or upset or bothered or feeling some kinda way, how dare that not be validated. That shit was created by narcissistic ass bitches that believe they are the only ones whose feelings are valid and they self validate by making you feel like shit.

Oh am I coming across bitter…-__-...being confident in the woman I am, the adult that I grew to become, I know I’m coming across that way because, I AM!! (only for a few more mins)…I’ve dated stubborn women, strong-willed woman, controlling women and even a couple idiots but never a narcissist. I’ve never thought so little of myself and my ability. I’ve never felt bad for saying ‘I or Me’. “Man I need some new underwear” Narcissist, “don’t you mean WE”. Narcissists program you to feel substandard even to yourself….lol…wow.

As I type (run), the relief I feel as I look up and see the parting Red Sea…I’m free. Bitterness fades, all becomes calm, Peace washes over the atmosphere. I going down by the well to watch the girls as they gather water.

Its been awhile…

This is my most private spot, what i write here goes undetected, unnoticed and produces no harm…I hope.  My spot needs no order, no editing, no sensor required.

Hungry Alien, *Don't Blow us Away*

~the first meal of the day; the morning meal. Use it in a sentence *A hearty breakfast was served at 7am* --dictionary.com

That being said ... in a land far away KyD is waking to begin her day. The night before moms morphed a delicious meal and KyD hocked the leftovers for her lunch. In the rush to get to school she left her lunch at home.

Oh misery!!! while she is out learning toabout proper laser control, a growling began in her stomach. KyD was so upset that she focused her attention on a really small blue planet. She decided to test the laser she was learning to use. KyD pointed the laser at the little blue planet, felt the pain in her stomach and then FIRED the laser at the unsuspecting planet...poor lil blue planet...Poor KyD...

LOL WTF!!!

Eat something for breakfast and put a sticky note on the mirror to help remind u about ur delicious lunch in the fridge...

A hearty meal that consists of powdered donuts will only make u cranky and piss u off in about 30mins...

@Kyngdreux LOL

Feeling some kinda way...

I’m feeling some kinda way about Lesbians these days. Nothing bad, just got questions. On one side are the women that date and on the other side are the women that want that serious relationship. The daters take things “slow”, plan activities, feel you up a little…lol, have conversation, and genuinely try to get the know you, the person. Them relationship lesbians want to wife you IMMEDIATELY…lol… no seriously…they want to be with you every day, meet your mom, TODAY, they assume they know everything about you after just one conversation and my all time favorite, “we should live together”…pump ya brakes.
There is nothing wrong with good ol’ fashion love. Both sides of the spectrum have pros and cons, but dam, why is it that lesbian relationships move at super warp speed. Why do women have to satisfy the id and the ego all in one breath? It is too easy. You meet a women the two of you click…the conversation is good, the panties are wet…the romantic date was memorable, sex is a given…and if the sex is good, not just the first time but the second time and the third time, then hell, guess what? you have left dating and are now headed for relationship…its only been 30 days!!…lol
So, now you find yourself in the wonderful, blissful state of mind…everything is butterflies and chocolate kisses. Then, BAM, the L-word pops up, no, not on your flat screen, but in one of your many, deep conversations…oops. Once love has sprung a leak the relationship takes on a whole new meaning. Now, you have pressure, doubt, obligation and, the hidden gem, assumption. Not to mention the profound opinions of your mom and close friends…60 days and counting.
My, how time flies when you have new love. It feels wonderful to have met someone who gets you, listens to you and makes you laugh…oh and sexes you like no other… Is she the one? Can you spend the rest of your life with this chick? As you approach the 90th day (probationary period) some of that bliss starts to wear off…you have the thing that most, if not all, lesbians dread the most…an argument…a BIG argument. It could be about anything…pulling the cover in your sleep, not liking the TV show she is watching, texting your BFF at 9:30pm…lol…or why you haven’t had sex all week!
What’s really going on? At this time, at this moment we are ready to jump ship and…ding, ding, ding…call it quits. If it’s the right person it should be worth it…right?....hell it’s only been 90 days…lol…Get over the dumb shit and be with yo woman! Mobilize the things that a good relationship needs to grow…SEX, honesty, trust and most of all C-O-M-M-U-N-I-C-A-T-I-O-N. Lesbians get so wrapped up in the love that we forget that we need to talk about shit and because of that, there is a break down. We should be able to step “outside” of ourselves and see what we are bringing to the relationship…positive and negative…it takes time…but 2 years later (or 2 months...lol) you might be having a commitment ceremony instead of a murder trial. Dating sucks I say go for the gusto…lol